Five things - TLO

Five Things NOT to Do... when attending a goth tribute show at the Blue Note.

1. Drink PBR.

Drinking Pabst isn't just a part of the hipster food pyramid - it's also reasonably priced drunk fuel. Unfortunately, your fellow attendees probably aren't going to see it that way, as evidenced by the looks of condescension you'll receive. But I guess those might not be genuinely judgmental looks so much as a side effect of the drawn-on eyebrows. I'm not sure. I had a hard time reading people's facial expressions in general under all the kohl and white face makeup.

2. Forget your cloves.

What? You forgot to stop off and buy a pack of Djarums before you came? Pfft. Idiot.

3. Wash your hair.

Honoring goth music isn't just about bad haircuts and dudes in skirts matched with combat boots. It's about hygiene. Or the opposite of hygiene, really. After all, it's way easier to mimic Robert Smith's wiry white guy fro when your hair is untainted by The Man's silly soaps and shampoos. Wait a second, am I allowed to refer to The Man or am I mocking the wrong cliche?

4. Smile or otherwise give any other indication that you might be enjoying yourself.

Never, ever, forget to be sad at a goth tribute show. There are any number of things you can choose to be sad about. Like the fact that goth is dead, maybe (although... wasn't that kind of the idea?) You can be sad about the Cure's last album. I don't really care what you're depressed about, but for Bela Lugosi's sake, just find something to mope about and do it.

5. Forget your sweet dance moves.

Dancing to goth music is not the same as dancing to other types of music. You can't just tap your foot and shove your hands in your pockets - then they'll know you're just another hipster. That's when things tend to go a little south - everybody starts to gang up on you, then the bloodletting begins and before you know it a full-on human sacrifice is under way. And let's be honest here, the reason the Blue Note painted the walls black is so they wouldn't have to spend so much time and effort scrubbing out the bloodstains smeared everywhere from all the people who got mugged on their way in.

For a quick how-to reference before you go to your next goth prom, check out this resource. Study that baby for a few minutes, and you should be good to go.

Anyway, I'm off to the mall to stand outside Hot Topic and give disapproving looks that only thinly veil my envy.



xoxo