Five Things NOT to Do... when auditioning for the Lost Ogle.
Okay, I'm a little short on time so this one is going to be quick (that's what he said.)
1. Admit to not knowing anything/not caring about sports.
Yeah dude! I'm TOTALLY a Sooners fan! Yeah! Woo!!! Go Sooners! Sam Bradford is like, my hero or something! He was that one dude that played for the Thunder, right?
2. Get wasted while logged into your Gmail account, since TLO is now a part of your address book.
Patrick... I'm going to need you to delete those pictures, please.
3. Send the wrong tape. Or any tape. Dummy.
Wait, you mean this was a WRITTEN audition?! Right. I guess that makes sense, being an obscure local social blog and all. Uh... do you guys think you can send me back that tape of me singing I Will Survive into the hairbrush? Thanks.
4. Be Spencer Hicks.
I don't really have a legitimate reason for this. He heckled me at the Speakeasy once because I was trying to usher my wasted friend out of the bar while he welcomed the next comedian, and I'm just going to guilt him for his split second of douchebaggery until the end of time. I hear he's actually a nice guy.
5. Prioritize academics.
I should be gearing up for my last undergraduate finals week, ever. I should be doing homework, studying, and writing papers. What am I doing instead? Writing this, that's what. DO YOU READ ME, TLO? That's love. That's REAL love.
xoxo
11.15.2010
11.13.2010
Five things - TLO
Five Things NOT to Do... when attending a goth tribute show at the Blue Note.
1. Drink PBR.
Drinking Pabst isn't just a part of the hipster food pyramid - it's also reasonably priced drunk fuel. Unfortunately, your fellow attendees probably aren't going to see it that way, as evidenced by the looks of condescension you'll receive. But I guess those might not be genuinely judgmental looks so much as a side effect of the drawn-on eyebrows. I'm not sure. I had a hard time reading people's facial expressions in general under all the kohl and white face makeup.
2. Forget your cloves.
What? You forgot to stop off and buy a pack of Djarums before you came? Pfft. Idiot.
3. Wash your hair.
Honoring goth music isn't just about bad haircuts and dudes in skirts matched with combat boots. It's about hygiene. Or the opposite of hygiene, really. After all, it's way easier to mimic Robert Smith's wiry white guy fro when your hair is untainted by The Man's silly soaps and shampoos. Wait a second, am I allowed to refer to The Man or am I mocking the wrong cliche?
4. Smile or otherwise give any other indication that you might be enjoying yourself.
Never, ever, forget to be sad at a goth tribute show. There are any number of things you can choose to be sad about. Like the fact that goth is dead, maybe (although... wasn't that kind of the idea?) You can be sad about the Cure's last album. I don't really care what you're depressed about, but for Bela Lugosi's sake, just find something to mope about and do it.
5. Forget your sweet dance moves.
Dancing to goth music is not the same as dancing to other types of music. You can't just tap your foot and shove your hands in your pockets - then they'll know you're just another hipster. That's when things tend to go a little south - everybody starts to gang up on you, then the bloodletting begins and before you know it a full-on human sacrifice is under way. And let's be honest here, the reason the Blue Note painted the walls black is so they wouldn't have to spend so much time and effort scrubbing out the bloodstains smeared everywhere from all the people who got mugged on their way in.
For a quick how-to reference before you go to your next goth prom, check out this resource. Study that baby for a few minutes, and you should be good to go.
Anyway, I'm off to the mall to stand outside Hot Topic and give disapproving looks that only thinly veil my envy.
xoxo
1. Drink PBR.
Drinking Pabst isn't just a part of the hipster food pyramid - it's also reasonably priced drunk fuel. Unfortunately, your fellow attendees probably aren't going to see it that way, as evidenced by the looks of condescension you'll receive. But I guess those might not be genuinely judgmental looks so much as a side effect of the drawn-on eyebrows. I'm not sure. I had a hard time reading people's facial expressions in general under all the kohl and white face makeup.
2. Forget your cloves.
What? You forgot to stop off and buy a pack of Djarums before you came? Pfft. Idiot.
3. Wash your hair.
Honoring goth music isn't just about bad haircuts and dudes in skirts matched with combat boots. It's about hygiene. Or the opposite of hygiene, really. After all, it's way easier to mimic Robert Smith's wiry white guy fro when your hair is untainted by The Man's silly soaps and shampoos. Wait a second, am I allowed to refer to The Man or am I mocking the wrong cliche?
4. Smile or otherwise give any other indication that you might be enjoying yourself.
Never, ever, forget to be sad at a goth tribute show. There are any number of things you can choose to be sad about. Like the fact that goth is dead, maybe (although... wasn't that kind of the idea?) You can be sad about the Cure's last album. I don't really care what you're depressed about, but for Bela Lugosi's sake, just find something to mope about and do it.
5. Forget your sweet dance moves.
Dancing to goth music is not the same as dancing to other types of music. You can't just tap your foot and shove your hands in your pockets - then they'll know you're just another hipster. That's when things tend to go a little south - everybody starts to gang up on you, then the bloodletting begins and before you know it a full-on human sacrifice is under way. And let's be honest here, the reason the Blue Note painted the walls black is so they wouldn't have to spend so much time and effort scrubbing out the bloodstains smeared everywhere from all the people who got mugged on their way in.
For a quick how-to reference before you go to your next goth prom, check out this resource. Study that baby for a few minutes, and you should be good to go.
Anyway, I'm off to the mall to stand outside Hot Topic and give disapproving looks that only thinly veil my envy.
xoxo
11.11.2010
Five things - TLO
Five Things NOT to Do... when trying to get a date.
Given the vast amount of experiences (read: failures) I've had in the dating arena, I've decided that it may be time to draft an itemized list of five things you shouldn't do when trying to get a date.
1. Use social media to ask out dudes/chicks.
Listen, I know you have 5,243 Facebook friends, and like one third of them have professionally-shot photos of women in bikinis with an extra long acrylic nail pointed in their mouths. And I know that out of that third, like half of those actually have information furnished in their profiles, and that some of them will even talk to you (for $20/minute.) I get why these things would make you think it's okay to stalk and ask girls out, especially girls in your Thursday night class whom you are old enough to have fathered and in eight weeks have literally never interacted with you a single time. I mean, social media is already consuming our lives - Facebooking for dates SHOULD be the next logical step.
Except... it's totally not. So don't do it. Don't even ask girls out on Facebook that you HAVE met. Seriously.
2. Hook up with your friends' exes and then hope it blossoms into a meaningful relationship.
I've seen women do this a few times and I don't get it. For one, banging your friend's ex is kind of tacky anyway - although I have seen a few Dude Social Circles basically pass girls around, so maybe I'm just old-fashioned. Secondly, why would you ruin perfectly good sex by trying to turn it into a relationship?
3. Reveal fetishes.
I once had a guy reveal a foot fetish to me before he even asked me out on a date. Dude. Don't tell me that. In fact, don't tell anybody that. Except maybe the people on your foot fetishist message board. Maybe they'll care. Or not. I don't know.
4. Get hammered and then drunk dial him/her.
While there is almost nothing more flattering than a ten minute, slurred, 3 am voice mail of background noise and your slurred speech, it doesn't exactly convey the kind of message that says, "Hey, let's go see Inception and then awkwardly make out on your couch." Actually, it doesn't convey much of any message, because I can't understand what the hell you're trying to say over the bouncer yelling at you in the parking lot of Groovy's with that cougar's bracelets rattling as she tries to drag you to her car.
5. Be too mean/too nice.
Let's be honest here. If you're too nice, it probably means that you aren't willing to just grow a pair and actually ask the other person out. I hear people - guys especially - whine about how they're suuuch nice guys, and chicks just don't seeee that, and let's watch Liiifetime together, and whaaatever. You can say what you mean and not be considered a douche. I'm not familiar with with the concept personally, but I'm told it's called tact.
And as far as acting like a douche goes... where the hell did THAT idea come from, anyway?! Is it some kind of MTV or Jersey Shore thing that my old ass forgot to keep up with - act like a dudebro, get the girl? I used to only see these idiots at Baker's St, but it seems like they're EVERYWHERE now. Does this really still work on girls over the age of 21? I mean, if she's under 21 you can act like as much of a bastard as you want, they aren't really people yet at that point anyway - but do these guys seriously have successful sexual encounters with people of the opposite sex?
Well, I guess they do, at the rate some of these chicks are poppin' babies out. But I guess that's a story for another time.
xoxo
Given the vast amount of experiences (read: failures) I've had in the dating arena, I've decided that it may be time to draft an itemized list of five things you shouldn't do when trying to get a date.
1. Use social media to ask out dudes/chicks.
Listen, I know you have 5,243 Facebook friends, and like one third of them have professionally-shot photos of women in bikinis with an extra long acrylic nail pointed in their mouths. And I know that out of that third, like half of those actually have information furnished in their profiles, and that some of them will even talk to you (for $20/minute.) I get why these things would make you think it's okay to stalk and ask girls out, especially girls in your Thursday night class whom you are old enough to have fathered and in eight weeks have literally never interacted with you a single time. I mean, social media is already consuming our lives - Facebooking for dates SHOULD be the next logical step.
Except... it's totally not. So don't do it. Don't even ask girls out on Facebook that you HAVE met. Seriously.
2. Hook up with your friends' exes and then hope it blossoms into a meaningful relationship.
I've seen women do this a few times and I don't get it. For one, banging your friend's ex is kind of tacky anyway - although I have seen a few Dude Social Circles basically pass girls around, so maybe I'm just old-fashioned. Secondly, why would you ruin perfectly good sex by trying to turn it into a relationship?
3. Reveal fetishes.
I once had a guy reveal a foot fetish to me before he even asked me out on a date. Dude. Don't tell me that. In fact, don't tell anybody that. Except maybe the people on your foot fetishist message board. Maybe they'll care. Or not. I don't know.
4. Get hammered and then drunk dial him/her.
While there is almost nothing more flattering than a ten minute, slurred, 3 am voice mail of background noise and your slurred speech, it doesn't exactly convey the kind of message that says, "Hey, let's go see Inception and then awkwardly make out on your couch." Actually, it doesn't convey much of any message, because I can't understand what the hell you're trying to say over the bouncer yelling at you in the parking lot of Groovy's with that cougar's bracelets rattling as she tries to drag you to her car.
5. Be too mean/too nice.
Let's be honest here. If you're too nice, it probably means that you aren't willing to just grow a pair and actually ask the other person out. I hear people - guys especially - whine about how they're suuuch nice guys, and chicks just don't seeee that, and let's watch Liiifetime together, and whaaatever. You can say what you mean and not be considered a douche. I'm not familiar with with the concept personally, but I'm told it's called tact.
And as far as acting like a douche goes... where the hell did THAT idea come from, anyway?! Is it some kind of MTV or Jersey Shore thing that my old ass forgot to keep up with - act like a dudebro, get the girl? I used to only see these idiots at Baker's St, but it seems like they're EVERYWHERE now. Does this really still work on girls over the age of 21? I mean, if she's under 21 you can act like as much of a bastard as you want, they aren't really people yet at that point anyway - but do these guys seriously have successful sexual encounters with people of the opposite sex?
Well, I guess they do, at the rate some of these chicks are poppin' babies out. But I guess that's a story for another time.
xoxo
11.10.2010
Alright, so.
Okay readers (I like pretending anyone actually reads this) - no new posts this week about whatever douche bag or weirdo has made his way into my midst.
Basically, here are some reasons why:
xoxo
Basically, here are some reasons why:
- I skipped class Wednesday night and Thursday morning because I wasn't feeling well.
- I have three group projects that will be coming to fruition in the next five weeks, and I will be an extremely busy girl for a bit.
- I also have graduation to contend with in about five weeks.
- Also, I was apparently wrong about not feeling well. Sunday afternoon I caught a stomach virus and was up sick til about four in the morning. Yeah, don't do ab/core workouts - just get really, violently ill.
- As a result, I am now behind schedule on a few projects. It's super.
- Lastly, I'm running a little low on ammo - although I do for-sure have two other absurd experiences to chronicle - just not right this second. But other than that, I may have to go on a date soon just so I have something to write about.
xoxo
11.01.2010
I will not hit on girls via Facebook.
Say it with me, boys:
I will not hit on girls via Facebook.
I will not hit on girls via Facebook.
I will not hit on girls via Facebook.
Somehow, somewhere along the line, using Facebook to shop for a date became socially acceptable. Well, not really. But I've had (multiple) run-ins with guys who think otherwise. Social media is a great networking tool, yes (see also: Stalking for Dummies.) And yes, it's okay to talk to people on Facebook that you are acquainted with in reality (see also: that glow outside your front door - the one that isn't your computer screen.) But in NO WAY - for emphasis - NO WAY (in my opinion, anyway) is it okay to solicit girls for dates (or sex) via social media. You wouldn't ask a girl out via text message (I hope.) So why would it be okay to ask her out on Facebook Chat? At least make a show of asking for her number.
This has actually happened to me several times. Sometimes with guys I've never even met. What is it about me? Is it the baby in my lap in my profile picture? Maybe the "single mom" vibe makes guys think I'm an easy target (she's not even mine.) Worse, I've actually fallen for this lunacy.
But... NO MORE. I made this decision long ago. But I did recently have someone reinforce it. And this is how that went.
I've been taking more evening classes this semester, which has been quite the hindrance on my social life. One of the classes involves grading each others' resumes.
So one of my classmates - obviously using my resume to find me on Facebook in the first place - adds me. Being the naive type that I am (see also: effing stupid), I add him back - obviously I am just way too nice, because my first thought is that maybe he has an actual question about the class (if grading each others' resumes is a requirement, it should be a given that the class isn't really much of a challenge. My bad.)
So he starts instant messaging me, lucking into the rare occasion once every lunar eclipse that my Facebook chat is actually on. We make casual conversation. Fine. I have godawful insomnia and nothing better to do - he may be mildly entertaining at best, but at least he's helping me pass the time before I start obsessively clicking refresh on my Twitter feed again.
Within twenty-some minutes, he has dissolved to lewd comments and penis jokes. Okay, let's be honest here - that's actually pretty much up my alley - but bear in mind I don't actually know this dude. Yes, I have a class with him. That's it. We are not friends. We aren't even acquaintances - we have been sitting in the same room for 8 weeks with literally zero interaction up to this point. So if I've been making small talk with this guy for less than half an hour and he's already coming onto me in the grossest way possible (with the exception of, possibly, if this had happened in-person) then I am definitely already turned off.
Like an armadillo in the headlights, I stared frozen at the screen - trying to decide whether it would hurt more to throw myself onto the hood of the car or directly under the tires. Ultimately, it wound up being an awkward good-bye and speedy sign-off.
The downside is, I still have 7 weeks of class with this weirdo.
God help me.
xoxo
I will not hit on girls via Facebook.
I will not hit on girls via Facebook.
I will not hit on girls via Facebook.
Somehow, somewhere along the line, using Facebook to shop for a date became socially acceptable. Well, not really. But I've had (multiple) run-ins with guys who think otherwise. Social media is a great networking tool, yes (see also: Stalking for Dummies.) And yes, it's okay to talk to people on Facebook that you are acquainted with in reality (see also: that glow outside your front door - the one that isn't your computer screen.) But in NO WAY - for emphasis - NO WAY (in my opinion, anyway) is it okay to solicit girls for dates (or sex) via social media. You wouldn't ask a girl out via text message (I hope.) So why would it be okay to ask her out on Facebook Chat? At least make a show of asking for her number.
This has actually happened to me several times. Sometimes with guys I've never even met. What is it about me? Is it the baby in my lap in my profile picture? Maybe the "single mom" vibe makes guys think I'm an easy target (she's not even mine.) Worse, I've actually fallen for this lunacy.
But... NO MORE. I made this decision long ago. But I did recently have someone reinforce it. And this is how that went.
I've been taking more evening classes this semester, which has been quite the hindrance on my social life. One of the classes involves grading each others' resumes.
So one of my classmates - obviously using my resume to find me on Facebook in the first place - adds me. Being the naive type that I am (see also: effing stupid), I add him back - obviously I am just way too nice, because my first thought is that maybe he has an actual question about the class (if grading each others' resumes is a requirement, it should be a given that the class isn't really much of a challenge. My bad.)
So he starts instant messaging me, lucking into the rare occasion once every lunar eclipse that my Facebook chat is actually on. We make casual conversation. Fine. I have godawful insomnia and nothing better to do - he may be mildly entertaining at best, but at least he's helping me pass the time before I start obsessively clicking refresh on my Twitter feed again.
Within twenty-some minutes, he has dissolved to lewd comments and penis jokes. Okay, let's be honest here - that's actually pretty much up my alley - but bear in mind I don't actually know this dude. Yes, I have a class with him. That's it. We are not friends. We aren't even acquaintances - we have been sitting in the same room for 8 weeks with literally zero interaction up to this point. So if I've been making small talk with this guy for less than half an hour and he's already coming onto me in the grossest way possible (with the exception of, possibly, if this had happened in-person) then I am definitely already turned off.
Like an armadillo in the headlights, I stared frozen at the screen - trying to decide whether it would hurt more to throw myself onto the hood of the car or directly under the tires. Ultimately, it wound up being an awkward good-bye and speedy sign-off.
The downside is, I still have 7 weeks of class with this weirdo.
God help me.
xoxo
10.28.2010
The boy next door - part 2.
Okay, you remember the last story, right? About the guy who lived across from me, that I kind-of-almost-but-not-really-dated-but-mostly-just-got-pseudo-stalked-by?
He brought his Valentine's date into the restaurant I worked at. He was in the industry himself, so he had to know I'd be working - Valentine's is like Black Friday in the restaurant business. Or, I don't know, maybe his girlfriend just really liked mediocre chain Italian food.
I wound up being the person to bring the entrees to their table. When we made eye contact, he gave me this big, smug grin... I guess I was supposed to realize how badly I missed out by not being more receptive to his Static Cling Technique. I guess I was supposed to be upset, or offended.
Mostly I was just upset because I couldn't remember his name. I'm usually pretty good with names, dammit!
xoxo
He brought his Valentine's date into the restaurant I worked at. He was in the industry himself, so he had to know I'd be working - Valentine's is like Black Friday in the restaurant business. Or, I don't know, maybe his girlfriend just really liked mediocre chain Italian food.
I wound up being the person to bring the entrees to their table. When we made eye contact, he gave me this big, smug grin... I guess I was supposed to realize how badly I missed out by not being more receptive to his Static Cling Technique. I guess I was supposed to be upset, or offended.
Mostly I was just upset because I couldn't remember his name. I'm usually pretty good with names, dammit!
xoxo
10.25.2010
The boy next door - good idea in movies, bad idea in reality - part 1.
So I just got home from work - it's fairly late, and I'm walking the dog before I turn in for the night. We're just about to head back up the stairs when I hear voices from the neighboring balcony. It's my two male neighbors, one with his girlfriend, and they're inviting me over to have a night cap. This seems fairly normal, right? They're college-aged, much like myself - what's the harm in having one drink with them?
Okay Reader, I think it's kind of a given at this point that I already have a propensity for Bad Ideas. "Drinking with the people who live across from you" certainly SEEMS like the neighborly thing to do. Surely there will be no consequences to such an action!
Wrong. Totally wrong. Super wrong. To this day, I still can't even begin to wrap my brain around how wrong I turned out to be on this one.
So, anyway.
Back to the story.
Single Guy and I flirt somewhat throughout the night. Granted, we're drinking, so that's a given, and I'm only mildly interested even after a beverage or three... but he seems nice enough, so I figure I'll hang out for a little while. This turns into a repeat the next night - walk across the breezeway, hang out for a little bit, then walk back. On this night, I discover he's on parole for marijuana possession.
"Crap," I think to myself, "I've already given him my phone number, too."
Well, no worry. Maybe I've just made a new friend, right? Nothing has happened to make things awkward, not even so much as a hug at this point, so maybe I still have something to be optimistic about.
If there were an easy way to convey some kind of cackling, psychotic laughter via text, I would be doing so right about now.
The messages started out really normal - at first. Conversational. Hey-how-are-you, I'm-good-how-are-you. You know, normal.
Then the flood gates opened.
He started texting me... pretty much non-stop. Texting a lot is good - it shows you're interested. Texting question after question to the point where I can't answer one before the next three are sitting in my inbox - that's a tad worrisome. It was completely inane stuff, too - I'm talking like, "What's your favorite animal? Favorite food? Favorite thing about your favorite food? Favorite color? Favorite car? Favorite brand of decongestant? Favorite brand of tampons?"
Okay, I might be exaggerating - but only a little. My point is that it was completely overwhelming. Even if I managed to calm him down, by the next day he'd start back up again. It got to the point where - if he saw my car in the parking lot - he'd text me to ask what I was doing. And then he'd text me again to ask what my favorite shampoo is.
At this point, I began to wonder if it was possible to get a restraining order against someone who lives 10 feet away from me. I tried - once - to get him to back off. Admittedly, I could have tried harder. But when it didn't work, I did the only other thing I could think of to do - brush off.
Luckily, they moved out a few months later.
xoxo
Okay Reader, I think it's kind of a given at this point that I already have a propensity for Bad Ideas. "Drinking with the people who live across from you" certainly SEEMS like the neighborly thing to do. Surely there will be no consequences to such an action!
Wrong. Totally wrong. Super wrong. To this day, I still can't even begin to wrap my brain around how wrong I turned out to be on this one.
So, anyway.
Back to the story.
Single Guy and I flirt somewhat throughout the night. Granted, we're drinking, so that's a given, and I'm only mildly interested even after a beverage or three... but he seems nice enough, so I figure I'll hang out for a little while. This turns into a repeat the next night - walk across the breezeway, hang out for a little bit, then walk back. On this night, I discover he's on parole for marijuana possession.
"Crap," I think to myself, "I've already given him my phone number, too."
Well, no worry. Maybe I've just made a new friend, right? Nothing has happened to make things awkward, not even so much as a hug at this point, so maybe I still have something to be optimistic about.
If there were an easy way to convey some kind of cackling, psychotic laughter via text, I would be doing so right about now.
The messages started out really normal - at first. Conversational. Hey-how-are-you, I'm-good-how-are-you. You know, normal.
Then the flood gates opened.
He started texting me... pretty much non-stop. Texting a lot is good - it shows you're interested. Texting question after question to the point where I can't answer one before the next three are sitting in my inbox - that's a tad worrisome. It was completely inane stuff, too - I'm talking like, "What's your favorite animal? Favorite food? Favorite thing about your favorite food? Favorite color? Favorite car? Favorite brand of decongestant? Favorite brand of tampons?"
Okay, I might be exaggerating - but only a little. My point is that it was completely overwhelming. Even if I managed to calm him down, by the next day he'd start back up again. It got to the point where - if he saw my car in the parking lot - he'd text me to ask what I was doing. And then he'd text me again to ask what my favorite shampoo is.
At this point, I began to wonder if it was possible to get a restraining order against someone who lives 10 feet away from me. I tried - once - to get him to back off. Admittedly, I could have tried harder. But when it didn't work, I did the only other thing I could think of to do - brush off.
Luckily, they moved out a few months later.
xoxo
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